My brother on Medical Residency Match Day

Discussion on my anxiety over opening my residency match results in a room with my entire medical school class:


me:  no because we have to open it in a room in front of all of our class

and what if I'm really disappointed by what the envelope says?

 Zachary:  wait you have to open it in front of your entire class?

 me:  yes

like everyone has an envelope in this room

and at noon we all get to go get them and open them

 Zachary:  what is this, sorority recruitment?

 Zachary:  literally that is how sorority recruitment decisions are made at NU

the really douchey frats would go down to the quad and watch as an entire field of girls opened their match envelopes

 me:  wow

so yes the same thing

 Zachary:  that's awful

me:  pretty much

I've been having nightmares

 Zachary:  oh common

you'll be fine

everything ends up for the best

 Zachary:  then regardless of what happens, you have to have a set plan

I suggest that you have a fake envelope in your pocket

 Zachary:  you discretely switch the envelopes, and spike the fake one while yelling "Booooyaaaa"

Zachary:  then run out the room laughing

and open the real envelope at home by yourself

 Zachary:  0% chance of failure

100% chance of hilarity

oh and let one person in your class in on it and have them film it

youtube sensation

 Zachary:  throw in a little touchdown dance

maybe the dougie

 Zachary:  hahah if you really want to go crazy, in the fake envelope that you spike, put some burger king coupons

so you spike it and after you run out, people are like 'what the fck' so they check your envelope eventually ...

burger king coupons

Christmas presents

After my brothers rant mentioned in the last post, this was the last present my mother wrapped for him. She said she wanted him to think of her every time he used it. He opened it up to find this:

(Zach receives 3-ply)

Little Brother Rant

Zach (to mother and father): I have a question for you, do you and mom - would you consider yourself green environmental activists?


Dad: Well not how most people define it.

Zach: Do you consider yourself extreme penny pinchers?


Mom: No

Zach: Then why on earth do you buy this crappy single ply toilet paper. It is like wiping your butt with sand paper. You might as well use wrapping paper. I could steal this from a public restroom. I wouldn't wipe my dog's ass with that, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Just get decent toilet paper. I mean, why get toilet paper at all, why not just use your fingers.

Mom: What should I get?

Zach: Charmin, it is like wiping your butt with a pillow.

Dad: I'm sorry Zach, I don't consider wiping my ass to be an experience. I'm just sitting on the bowl and getting off as soon as possible.

 My brother, Zachary, is starting to take after my father...

Zachary:  yes...she said you missed study group to go out with a BOY

you bring shame on the family!

 me:  WHAT?!

#1 I have never been to a study group

#2 I would never miss it to go out with a BOY

I don't date boys ...

I date men

 Zachary:  umm I counter

it sounds like you date a lot of boys

 Zachary:  its ok so does my priest

Penile implants

Me: Today we did moldable penile implants. It is like clay, the same consistency and you can bend it into any shape you like.
Dad: It's like Gumby pecker
Me: Yea, weird right
Dad: Think about the possibilities. You could pee around corners. You could stand around a corner and pee on people and nobody would know where it comes from.

Dad: I bring you only the top line cutting edge medicine. Today at our medical staff meeting one of the ID doctors started talking about the newest thing... Fecal Transplants.
Mom: What's that?
Dad: When a patient has an infection wiht C. Diff, ID doctors take the poop of one of the patient's relatives and using an enema insert it into the patient. I thought I was listening to South Park -(starts singing) Mr. Hanky the christmas poo...

Dating advice from parents

Me: Wow I'm never going to hear from that guy again after sending that email.
Mom: Why ?
Me: It comes off as kind of high maintenance.
Mom: No it doesn't
Dad: Yes it does
Me: Ugh
Mom: Well you aren't high maintenance so don't worry about it.
Dad: Well, she kind of is....